I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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