Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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