I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
