Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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