My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
