oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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