you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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