I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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