So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
