Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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