My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize