he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
