Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
