She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
