batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
