as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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