It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
