All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
