Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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