Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
