I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
