i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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