Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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