I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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