Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
