I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
