hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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