My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
