It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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