please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
