North Korea, Best Korea!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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