drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
