I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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