youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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