ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
