i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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