But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
