There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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