I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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