My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
