i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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