Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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