My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
