He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
