Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
