Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
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I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
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She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis