My cat gives me a boner
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.