then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?