Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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