My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
