dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're like the curious george of whores
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
