The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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