all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
