Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
