Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
