a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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