Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
