im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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