I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
