She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
