I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
