So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
