I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
