Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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