just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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