twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
