My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
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So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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