Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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