Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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