I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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